Ch. 4 - 2019! When we were not on the Same Page

WTF! Yes, that’s the reaction literally everyone in our circle had. While she has been very expressive, in situations which are hard hit she goes into a shell and doesn’t speak out much, immediately. She just said okay and left.

It was the most difficult thing for me to do. For me what mattered at that point in time is to be honest rather than pretentious. It was building in my mind for a few months and it just came out at the wrong time. My overthinking mind thought about the different family backgrounds, it thought about the different approach we had towards life, it thought about how it would not blend well in the future between us. All sorts of things that were not necessarily important at that point in time. The worst part was I didn’t even care to discuss it with her and just took a decision because my overthinking mind was absolutely sure that it was not going to work.

She took sometime, vent out in front of her close ones. She was hurt, really hurt! In Fact some of her close friends did try to reach out to ask me just one simple question, WHY? And I had all sorts of explanations which still didn’t have an answer to their question. All of my best friends were super confused about this abrupt decision of mine. They knew this is very unlikely of me doing something like this. They also tried talking to me about this but it was not quite helping my mind. I wasn’t happy either. It was a painful time for me too, but for that moment it felt, this too shall pass and its for a long run benefit for both of us.

She didn’t express anything to me immediately but we met again a few days later to talk it out. There was a big vacuum that was created by this time, it suddenly started feeling that we are strangers again. Accumulating all the guts to speak, she was just expecting an answer to one question, “You knew how afraid I was to get attached to someone. If you wanted to leave, why did we even come this far?” The question was apt and she really meant it from the bottom of her heart. But I didn’t have any answer to it.

All I said is, there could never have been a good time to speak about this. I know I did the wrong thing, but what I feel is my honest opinion. It would have been even more difficult to take this decision ahead. So rather than being pretentious I felt rather being honest. I had been through the worst break up in my first relationship, I was there holding up for 2 years waiting for her to return but it didn’t happen. So I could relate what she must be going through. I didn’t wish to lose her as a person but just be friends instead. It was really a difficult phase for a couple of months but she was kind enough to stay in touch. She also didn’t wish to lose a friend in me.

We technically never stopped talking or meeting up. It just felt like sliding back to the phase of going with the flow but this time it was with a much heavier heart. After any breakup along with the couple the most clueless people are their close friends as to them both of them are equally important. So the close friends did their part in the best way they could and even we showed a maturity to have social and private things dealt with separately and not mix it up to create discomfort in the group. While none of us showed it on our face it was very difficult for us. Especially for her as she was holding up all her feelings and just expecting maybe one day I would change my mind.

At the same time, that happened to be the worst year for me too on a personal level. It is too difficult to explain but it was a mixture of guilt, anxiety, unhappiness and what not. Break up was not the only reason, it was something different in me that I wasn’t comfortable with. I wasn’t sharing my true feelings to my best friends. Honestly I wasn’t happy with what I had become into. While all this was happening, I lost someone very dear to me in an accident. For the first time, I felt what heart shattering really feels like.

I went into a zone where I wasn’t able to work for a month. And at those crucial times, she was there with me just besides to make sure I was alright. Without any expectation she just stood with me. Keeping all the things aside, she remembered I was there for her in the most crucial phase of her life. I am glad she was there. As the days went ahead things started getting normalised. We even kind of started accepting the fact that we should start moving on. But the pile up of discomfort was still there in my mind.

In the start of March 2020, I lost my grandmother and we all went to our natives for the Funeral. In the past 6 months I had lost another close one who meant a lot to me. While I was there and remembering her memories, it took me to the time when my grandma told me on the call "सुनबाई छान आहे हा". She had mentioned this to me on call in the year 2017 seeing one of my Birthday posts for Minal. We were just friends that time.

It was a time when I got to just sit quietly and just think about a lot of things. I was anxiously waiting for a time alone with my Mom to speak it all out. Whatever I had within me. For this entire year of 2019, I didn’t share my feelings with her. And finally on the journey back to home I got the time to share all of it that I had in my mind. I expressed all my questions about not accepting Minal wholeheartedly even when I truly have feelings for her. What influenced my thoughts? I Just emptied myself without any filter. For the first time in the entire year I felt like being myself. I felt relieved. It felt like yes this is the real me.

There is a term I have heard or read a lot of times - A sigh of relief. This was the first time I really really felt what it is like to have a sigh of relief. She also listened to all of it calmly. Even she had noticed me being a very different person all these months. She just said, if you truly have a feeling for her, don’t lose it. You have to make a decision and do make one which you won’t regret later. That was a turning point in my life. I did give it a very conscious thought and suddenly it started feeling so sorted in my mind. Not only about the relationship but about a lot of things. This must be sometime in mid March 2020.

We came home and I met Minal the very same day. I took her to the same place where we had broken up. We just stood at that place and said, “I know it was a different me in the entire year, I had become an overthinker and I got too worried. I have really hurt you emotionally. I don’t know if all this will even make sense to you now but I am answerable to all your questions and you take all the time you need, I will not run away from your questions. This time I am saying it with all conviction, I really love you. Will you like to get along with me again? I am not expecting an immediate answer at all. The decision of leaving you was mine and you accepted it gracefully. The decision whether to come back or not will be totally yours, and whatever you say I will agree to it without asking even one question to you.”

Looking into my eyes she said, “I never stopped loving you!”. Yes, I do need to talk with you before making a decision whether to get along or not but let's do that eventually. We both knew that this would take a few months to speak out wholeheartedly. So this time we can not leave any loopholes in our minds. She said, “Currently more than anything, I am happy that You found the real you again”. We decided to speak about it in the days ahead meeting in person.

AND BAMM! The very first Lockdown happened.

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